Loco beat Aztec with ease

Locomotive ended 2004 in winning style with a good 3-0 victory against a non-existant Aztec team. The team cried off due to only having 6 players (yeah right).Due to this occurence, we do not have a report for the training session which occured instead. Therefore, the Loco web team will bring you a list of things instead which really f**k us off in life…

Walking round a car pulling out
There’s a car at a T-junction waiting to pull out, so you start walking round the back of it to get past. Then, the car pulls out and you’re left there walking in a curve around nothing. Bloody infuriating, not only because it happens so often, but because it happens so often because you keep on doing it and never learn to just wait, or walk in a straight line in the first place.

FIFA/UEFA f**king about with the rules
It’s the law that every major football tournament must feature at least one madcap new rule introduced by UEFA or FIFA that totally screws things up. This year, at Euro 2004, we had a new make of football which seem to weigh as much as an anorexic Ethiopian on a diet, the result being every cross in every game ending up on the other side of the pitch.

Texting
I hate it when you text someone something, and then about ten f**king years later, they reply with “Yep”, by which time you’ve forgotten what the hell you wrote in the first place.

Shopping bags splitting
Shite. Really shite. Why the f**k does it always happen. It pisses me off. What a bitch. Ever notice those corner shops that put your stuff in two bags inside each other? They know their bags are sh*t! Why do the tight bastards keep on using them?

Action camera shots
The worst thing that happened with ITV when they got the Premiership rights was the God-awful action camera angles they use when showing the goals on On The Ball. You know the bits I mean? When they go around the grounds showing the goals from last weekend’s games, but you can’t actually see anything of the goals because the camera angle seems to be from a camera mounted on the goalscorer’s head, so all you get is a lot of blurred pictures of Gudni Bergsson backtracking, a look down at the ball then next thing you know Emile Heskey and half the team have jumped on your back.

Peter Kay
I don’t actually dislike Peter Kay; he’s a funny guy. But he’s a one trick pony, and it can’t be long before people realise that. There are only so many jokes about being a thick Northerner you can make.

Sad people forcing their sadness on you
Have you ever got trapped in conversation with a sad person? One of those achingly dull people who seem ignorant of basic etiquette, such as realising when you’re boring the tits off the person you’re talking to, or that it’s not polite to hold a one-way conversation with someone, or that people usually aren’t interested in hearing how clever you are or how much you know about something. You must have been. I hate being trapped in those situations.

Boll*cks perfume adverts
“We laughed, we danced, we stood in the sand, it lasted for ever. Eternity perfume.”

Scottish football
It’s a joke, isn’t it. Not even a funny one, any more. Oh my God, Rangers 6 Aberdeen 0. Celtic 8 Dundee 1. 1! Shock, horror, they actually scored. There must’ve been three short minutes of excitement when they went into the lead, then normal service was resumed, and they got twatted.

Pushy-taps
What a shite idea. OK, they save a bit of water, but they probably waste more when you push them and half a gallon floods out like a bloody hosepipe all over you.

Have I Got News For You
I hate the look on their smug faces as they come out with yet another wry political comment, usually about “Tony wouldnt do that”, or “David Blunkett’s cabinet”. Then Paul Merton makes a ridiculous imbecile comment, and the audience collapse in hysterics, even though it was actually just a simple childish comment made. Ian Hislop will just glance around the studio, and then Angus Deayton will cock his eyebrow slightly, look around at the guests and the audience, and say, “Well, moving swiftly on…”. Ohhhh…

It also annoys me because the middle classes have latched on to it as their show, so they can sit in their comfy chairs with a wry grin on their faces as they laugh at all the intelligent humour. Yeah, I am just bitter, but it still annoys me. And yes, I am middle class.

Finding cash for the Car Park
Why is it that you have to take a tenner out, find a shop, buy a 20p pack of gum or something, just to get cash for the car park machine. Pain!

Cereal
I hate cereals, you know, stuff like Alpen with Red Berries or whatever. The first bowl, all you get is the boring arse bran flakes, and then next bowl you have you get a plateful of f*cking fruit. C*nts.

F*cking Changing Room Curtains
They’re bastards. They never go across the whole bloody way so there’s a gap either side where the whole of the sodding department can see your bare ass as you’re changing into the latest fecking gear. Added to that they hand you a big red piece of plastic with a big number three on it which is the size of Europe.

Last but not least…

Email forwards
I hate getting these sodding emails, usually from girls, that have a million smilies and then at the end it says, and here’s a hug for you. “Send this to thirty thousand people in the next five minutes otherwise you’ll get bad luck forever”. Twats. I also hate the ones which say “Timar is an Ethopian women, if you don’t forward this on to another thousand reprobates - her head will fall off and everyone will die” - like bollocks. And also, f*cking questionnaires, people sending them via email “Whats your middle name, what did you have for breakfast, bacon bits or crutons” - f*ck off, now.

Loco back to winning ways

The Loco this weekend got back to winning ways with a hard-fought 3-0 victory over DBJ Property. The game also marked another goal for Bomber (hands pictured).On the small pitch at West Moors (also pictured), which is generally considered a leveller, Loco took to the field with a slightly different formation. Rob, Stu and Mike were at the back, with Steve sweeping. In the middle of the park were Dave, Salva and Bomber, and Andy and Lee were out and out wingers, leaving Squeaky Clean up front.

Loco needed a win after a run of bad results (and form), however there was hardly any suggestion that this was going to change, as the match began scrappily. On the small pitch, with space at a premium, the ball was getting pinged about the pitch with little in form of possession from either side. As the half went on though, the away side were having the better of play - with a few wayward shots, including one which flicked off the top of the bar.

Loco managed to pull the game around though after 30 minutes, and Squeaky was instrumental up front, and it was his involvement that produced an early chance for Loco, as his through ball for Andy resulted in the striker to shooting wide from an acute angle - a good early opportunity which spurred T&D on.

Indeed it was Smiths involvement which led to Loco opening the scoring. The ball was played through from the right, and Andy held the ball up, and eventually it fell to Bomber, who daintily dinked the ball into the left corner of the net, past the stretching keeper. 1-0 to the Loco.

From this goal, the home side never looked back. Occasionally we beat ourselves up a bit, and always went for the more difficult option, or over-ran the ball when we should’ve passed it - but, on the whole we were clearly deserved leaders.

Other chances of note in the first half included an incisive through ball from Phillips (Steve), finding Bradshaw, who turned, and shot wide of the target. Elsewhere, Frank had a chance with a mazy run from defence ended with a powerful shot that squirmed wide of the upright. Also a Frank free-kick was spot on angle-wise, but a yard too high. Half-time: 1-0

The second half was a much improved performance by Loco, and probably one of our best halves on the small pitch in terms of chances created against a good team. Frank went off the field injured, therefore Lee was moved back to defence, Dave Davis slotted into left midfield, and Kendall came into the middle of the park.

Loco looked more comfortable on the ball, and were finding a lot of space (somehow), however the finishing was far from desirable, with Sean striking the bar once, wide on one occasion, and over on another.

With the score still at 1-0, Phillips (Paul) brought Pikey Jock on the pitch, and the change paid instant dividends as Mountifield gained possession of the ball, and distributed the ball up the pitch to Bradshaw, who cooly fired the ball low into the left corner of the net to make it 2-0 to T&D.

Ali also came on in the second half, and was extremely strong on the right hand side. It was his involvement again that played a part in Loco’s third goal towards the end of the encounter, as some pressure on the home defence made them give the ball away - and with Loco in possession, it was a mixture of passes between Bomber, Kenny and Ed that finally produced a shot on goal from Mintcake, which was saved, but he was on course to bang home the rebound to make it 3-0 to Loco.

Other chances of note in the half saw Dave Davis cut inside a rifle a shot just wide to the left of the left-upright. Another saw Mersh go on a mazy run and dink the ball just a little bit too high over the bar. Barker also was in the hunt for a goal too, and manage to hit the bar and crap up the rebound - but he was having a huge effect up the pitch, as his strength won Loco a lot of the territorial advantage.

Barker also played his part in Loco winning the numerical advantage of on-pitch players too, as there was a little bit of handbags between Salva and their Number 14. One of their players was obviously so riled by this that he kicked out at Salva, and was subsequently sent-off.

Apart from Bramley lashing out at air, the 3-0 result was 100% accurate of the proceedings at Fryers Fields, and it was a great all-round team effort - with every player putting in a lot of effort to secure a club victory. Perhaps we need these club meals and piss-ups more often…

Sharkey collared as bone snaps

Jon Sharkey will be out of action for the Loco for a substantial period after he broke his clavicle in an unknown incident on Tuesday night. The Loco news-desk learned of Jons fate, and wishes him a speedy recovery. It is understood that the incident took place in Wareham, and it was a while before Jon realised that he had done it.

The clavicle (collar bone) is one of the most commonly fractured bones. It acts like a strut between the breast bone in the center of the chest and the shoulder bones. It is very close to the skin and can be injured in a variety of ways.

A hospital visit on the following morning should have given him some idea as to how long he will be out for. Locoboys.co.uk will bring you news on this as an when.

The most common ways to break the clavicle (collar bone) are via a fall or from a direct blow to the bone. Almost any sport can be associated with clavicle (collar bone) fractures. Football, rugby and hockey are the most common.

A collar bone fracture is diagnosed with a history of a fall associated with pain and deformity around the shoulder. Typically, there is some swelling and tenderness associated with the fracture. X-rays are used to confirm the fracture. Rarely, further investigation by an CT scan may be needed.

Dodgy call spares Vale blushes

Loco were in action this weekend against AFC Westvale, and although T&D had a poor start, the side clawed back and secured what WE all thought was a win.Loco started very poorly against Westvale. The wind and slope didn’t help, but there was not one player for the away side who could get their foot on the ball on the dodgy Heathlands pitch. Hangovers, late nights, and banana feet was order of the day, as Loco couldn’t control any parts of the game.

Westvale scored two goals in the first-half, and much deserved too. Their Number 14 was a vry skillfull individual, who was threatening the Loco defence at every opportunity. He knocked balls over the top, and it was these that were troubling the back four, as their pacy striker ran on to often strike the ball goalwards with venom. Thankfully, keeper Langford was up to the task, and he was there to mop up, preventing what could have been a rout if their attackers were better.

Loco did have a chance after a Davis run on the left found Bomber who hit the bar, but other than that, we didn’t pose any threats at all.

The second half saw Loco claw an immediate goal back. The ball looped outside the edge of the area and Davis half-volleyed low into the bottom right corner via a deflection of a defenders back. This should have given T&D a lot of impetus, however Westvale did well to contain us, and they nearly broke away and notched a third on several occasions.

So it was the job of mid-field maestro Bomber Folds to score an equaliser. After some good atatcking movement, loco won a corner. The kick was taken by Arnold, and found the head of Folds, who rose to head home into the back of the net - a wondergoal.

And with less than 2 minutes on the clock, Loco thought they had sealed it. A mazy Rob Frank run resulted in the ball being squirmed through to Davis, whose shot across goal was saved by the keeper, and the resulting rebound found Bomber, who managed to knock Sharkey off the ball and hit the back of the net himself.

The ref however decided (or linesman) that both Bomber and Sharkey were off-side when the ball was kicked - therefore disallowing the goal. Although they were not interfering at the time, because one of them scored the resulting rebound, he raised his flag. It’s just a shame he didn’t do it at the time rather than whe the ball crossed the line.

If he’s going to make a bad decision, he just needs to make sure he does it more cleverly next time, otherwise he just looks silly, as proved to be the case. Never-the-less, Loco took four points of the side this season, so that answers any questions.

Capital Finance sue Loco

Locomotive welcomed back Pete Slayford to the side after a long absence in order to boost the Touch and Dive strike-force, as the home side took on FCF.The game really was a bit of a shitter to be honest. With Loco trying to get confidence up with a good performance, the first half never really started for Loco, and indeed, the home side went in 1-0 down at half-time after a penaly was awarded to the away team. After a re-take, the kick was successfully put away - and Loco were on the back foot.

Before this moment, Loco looked a yard off the pace, very slow to react, and the away siode midfield were all over our middle four, which meant they were getting a lot of time to create oppotunities - although their penalty was the only chance of real note.

Loco turned the game around in the second half, but still managed to concede, after an underhit back-pass fed their striker in, who clamly booted the ball past a diving Langford, in order to put First Capital Finance 2-0 up.

Even with Slayford up front, Loco wee finding it hard to keep the ball, and sloppiness was order of the day. Salva had a good chance of note which was knocked over the bar, and Tug too had a few wayward shots.

The match ended 2-0, and with an improved second half, albeit without any goals, next weeks match was hopefully to offer a turning point in the downward Loco spiral.