Loco Golf day is above par

Ferndown Locomotive had their first team Golf Day recently at Paultons Park, with a healthy turn out - with a good mixture of pros and Keiths :)The day was a resounding success, and I must firstly say well done to Paul Phillips for organising what was such a fantastic day.

We began the day at 9.30am sharp (although Keith was still on Taiwanese time judging by his incredibly late arrival). With numerous players having beers the night before, it was intriguing to see what the kind of quality was going to grace the course, however, in general - it was pretty solid.

We all gathered outside the clubhouse with a coffee and a bacon bap, and we teed off soon after, going in five groups of four.

At this point, I must say, if there is a lack of golfing terminology in this article, that is because I know hardly anything about it (hence I was the caddy on the day and not a player!).

The front nine saw some really good scores, with Paul Cashmore particularly excelling - some really great drives, and then chipping and putting like a true pro. Similarly Paul Phillips and Hey Arnold were also putting in some good shows.

As the day developed, it was great to see the team bonding in such an extraordinary way; similarly, it was just as satisfying to see Keith really take responsibility for his own actions after a poor tee shot on the eighth.

Unfortunately for Keith, his first shot didn’t take him past the ladies tee, therefore, being gullible enough to believe Mike Brannan’s folklore, the Loco midfielder then proceeded to run around the course with his boxers down, and take his subsequent shots with his trousers down to his ankles. The video is priceless….

Apart from that though, Keith, just like everyone, were very good sports throughout the day, with a lot of encouragement provided, and healthy amounts of advice here and there too.

The back nine holes really separated the men from the boys though, and with Lee Arnold and Steve Phillips both getting closest to the pin on holes 12 and 15 respectively, it was always going to be a close run contest.

The pictures in the Media Gallery tell the tale of the concluding parts of the Golf Day, as the awards were handed out by Paul Phillips, inside the Paultons Park clubhouse.

In all, it was a fantastic day, and I for one enjoyed it just by watching, so I’m sure everyone who played was equally happy with the day.

Roll on next year…

Smith takes Pant Plaudits

Andy Smith’s fruitful season at Ferndown Locomotive was only topped off on Sunday, with an astonishing display of audacity in the changing rooms before the game.Not only did this player turn in a superb performance as part of Loco’s 7-1 end-of-season goal spree, the newly positioned Loco centre-midfielder also arrived in the front-runner for this seasons pant competition.

We’ve had some dodgy entries already, but Andy totally topped it at SladesFarm with the introduction of frosty the snowman. According to Mr Smith, who was very shy in commenting about this fabric masterpiece, these pants were purchased for him by his other half. His other half also declined to comment.

The big reveal in the changing room went very well for Mr Smith, who managed to perk up a quite jaded set of players’ with his lingerie, however, although the design certainly tickled many of the players’ fancies, it caused Andy some grief.

The problem with these pants were two-fold, not only did they look ridiculous, it also made it look as though the midfielder was playing with a bonk on for ninety minutes. This however, seemed to work well for the Loco patron, with the opposition refusing to go anywhere near the carrot (which Mr Smiuth was ironically dangling).

Who ‘nose’ whether Andy will win the Loco pant contest, but stay tuned and you will most definitely find out!

Will bowls everyone over…

Stanley, the man who has been up in arms over recent Loco jibes aimed towards him, answered his critics in style on Saturday, with a top score of 171 at Bowlplex!At the last Christmas do, Will was centre of attention, and this time, he stole the show again.

On Saturday Loco had a bowling night at Bowlplex in Branksome. A great night was had by one and all, and it is definitely a night that will planned again very soon - and fingers crossed we will be able to get everyone there this time.

The Loco squad were split into two lanes - and although there was some inter-lane competition, there were numerous individual battles going on through the night.

However, there was one battle that was particularly amusing, and that was Chris Brown’s eternal struggle with his wallet. You see, it was decided that everyone who bowled a ball down the gutter had to sacrafice 50p. Notes and coins later… Chris decided to simply throw his wallet in, much to the delight of everyone watching.

View the pictures here

Other highlights included Keith winning a bowling of cheap bubbly for getting a strike when the whole world was watching; and also to Will, who managed to get the highest score of the night (171) - getting a Turkey in the process - a stunning score from one of Loco’s most resiliant defenders! Well done Will, you deserved it.

Lee managed to knock over a pint after some tom-foolery trying to put off Westy, and then redeemed himself by chucking a sheet of Bounty on the mass spillage - cheers Lee, it’s absorbs a lot of moisture but not that much…

The lads finished the night by having some Sambuca, which was paid for by the £15 worth of funds that had built up throughout the evening.

View the pictures here

So, a good evening was had by one and all - and it’s something we’ll be doing again extremely soon. Well done to Keith for organising it, and getting it at a good price for all of us!

Smack my bitch up

Loco stand in goalkeeper, solid defender, and general all-round animal Dan Smith has been pictured with an awful injury. That’s the last time he uses eyelash curlers…As you can see from the pictorial evidence on the right, Dan Smith got in a bit of a “situation” over the Christmas period, and unfortunately for him, it resulted in some quite mild facial injuries.

Joking aside though, this incident, which happened in Bournemouth, was extremely unlucky for Dan, as he lost his position as goalie for Loco. That’s right, on Sunday, Paul Phillips opted to go for second choice stopper Sean Barker instead.

No, in all seriousness, this injury does seem pretty bad, and best wishes go to the young lad on his recovery, and hopefully it’ll be a speedy return to Loco. Before long, he’ll be running around King George just like he once was - just hopefully, this time he won’t get a stitch.

Dan played really well in the last match of 2006 against JS Sports, so it can be considered a bit of a bad knock for him. However he’ll keep his eye open for an opportunity to get straight back in the first team as soon as possible.

A while back, spiralling public concern over drunken violence prompted a double-header of Government initiatives. Dan is obviously not an example of the success of these schemes.

Anyhow, get well soon Dan. Animal.

Mellor madness captured on cam

How and why does Luke get cramp? Every week, the (potentially) most fittest Loco player goes down injured. This week was no exception, and we have the proof.The Official Loco web-site managed to capture a few snaps from Sunday’s 4-3 victory over JS Sports at Chapel Gate, and amongst the highlights are Luke’s cramp, Sean’s arse, and a very concerned Ali Carmichael on the touchlines.

Luke’s leg cramps are now notorious with Sunday mornings, so we’re pleased that at least we caught one of them on film.

View the Pics here

Sean, Ali and Paul came to the rescue of the spritely left-back on Sunday, and after a bit of the magic spray, Luke was alright again, and was later laughing it off in the pub - nearly about as much as he was laughing at the state of Dan’s face, which the rest of the team thought was in very poor taste…

Cash told Mellor that it might be an idea for him to take some salt before the next game, so, by clicking on the ads on the right of this site, you might earn us enough revenue to buy an Adsa multi-pack of Smart-Price ready salted crisps.

Nevertheless, we thought it’d be useful to highlight what cramp exactly is. There are two basic causes of cramping. One is inadequate oxygenation of muscle, and the other is lack of water or salt (read on Luke…)

Cramps from poor oxygenation can be improved by rapid deep breathing, as well as stretching the muscle. Cramps from lack of salt and water can be treated by stretching the muscle, and of course drinking water and increasing salt intake (hence the crisps). Pounding on the muscle can increase soreness.

View the Pics here

Similarly, Luke should also take note that muscle cramps in particular can be treated by applying a soft massage on the cramped muscle, stretching the muscle and applying heat or cold. Heat improves superficial blood circulation and makes muscles more flexible, so some people find that heat is more soothing for muscle cramps than applying ice.

Hopefully this advice may provde beneficial to Mr Mellor, whose performance, although very good on Sunday, could well last a little bit longer than the usual three and a half minutes…

Keith in ‘Virgin Dance’ shock

Locomotive reprobate Keith Jackon has been spotted dancing to “Like a Virgin” by an undercover reporter, who has sent us exclusive video evidence of this extraordinary episode.Mellor, our undercover reporter, saw Keith out a couple of weeks ago, and couldn’t help but piss himself when he saw Keith Jackson dancing like a maniac to “Like a Virgin”.

Keith has been playing for Loco since September, and recently broke his virginal duck for the Ferndown-based club, as he managed to turn up to the game having not been put in a cell for the night.

On this occasion, our reporter informed us that Keith successfully stayed on the straight and narrow throughout the evening in question, and he merely manifested his drunken-ness - by grinding up against the fruit machine in Walkabout, as the dulcet tones of Madonna sounded in the background.

The Loco players found out more details about the occurence on Sunday morning, and for a five minute period there was a plethora of associated fruit machine related jokes, with Stu hitting the jackpot with the best punchline - nudge nudge.

Anyhow, here is the video, taken fresh from Mellor’s phone. Picture clarity is pretty shoddy, but then it was taken on a mobile, however I think you get the gist of Keith’s dancing expertise…

The Loco Curry Night obituary

Loco had a good turn out for a curry on Thursday night at Bournemouth Tandori, and a big thank you must go to Will Craig for making the event so enjoyable.Will ‘Stanley’ Craig has always been a key part of the Loco side, and with the Ferndown club already being a geographically diverse club - after having had ‘Welsh Tit’ Langford playing for us - he fitted in perfectly.

Similarly, Locomotive have always been a team that can crack a good joke, and on Thursday night at Bournemouth Tandori, Will chose the perfect time to display the reason why he’s such a great ambassador for this football club.

After a number of mediocre football trivia questions, the topic turned to the female nature - and Will managed to stop everyone in their tracks, with a story that put us all to shame.

Although, for some of us, the ‘put on a record’ part of the conversation was funny enough - the rest of the story was just astounding. However, despite this tale of misfortune, half the Loco table thought that Will’s story was even BETTER than what it was, due to some dodgy wax in Ali Carmichael’s ears.

You see, for a good half hour, 50% of the Loco table were on a different playing field to the other - as half of us thought ‘b*llocks’ and the other half thought ‘arms’. I won’t go too deeply into it.

Due to legal reasons, we cannot put the full story on the web-site, however, it was great to hear the quote of the night, where Will said: “Right, I’m going home to my normal armed girlfriend that doesn’t have testicles”!

I’ll let you work out the rest of the story…

Meanwhile, in other news, it was once again superb to see the Loco youth team turn out for the night, with Mellor once again being the star attraction. Having already been out on Wednesday night, the young drinker had already puked his way through some left-over tequila before joining us at O’Neills.

However not being content with having sicked his guts out only moments previous, he managed to down a pint in record time with competition from Kyle and Dan at his side. An honourable achievement. Here is the evidence..

Injured or carrying a knock

One thing Loco isn’t lacking this season is injuries. Luckily, albeit a bit late, the Back2Football injury clinic at Hamworthy Football club is offering a great deal…Back2Football Injury Clinic
County Ground, Hamworthy, Poole, Dorset, BH15 0HJ.

Affordable injury intervention exclusively for local footballers.

£15 per half hour session offering:

Examination & Assessment
Injury Diagnosis
Tailored Rehabilitation Strategies
Future Injury Prevention Advice

To make an appointment call Scott Langston, BSc, MSST, on 07723 372778

A five weekend month

Following a team building September, we have a long month to look forward to in October. Here’s the fixtures…Sunday 1st October - League
Away V Jocelyn’s Builders
Strouden Park pitch 1

Sunday 8th October - League
Away V XChurch Royals
Christchurch Pitch 1

Sunday 15th October - Robbins Cup Rd 3
Away V Kinson Con
Slades Farm Pitch 4

Sunday 22nd October - League
Home V Magpies & Woolsbridge

Sunday 29th October - League
Home V New Star Reserves

Loco Pre-Season Meal Photos

Last Thursday saw the Locomotive pre-season beers and curry in Bournemouth. This web-site has now been updated with all the sordid photos from the night.Click Media Gallery on the left of the page to view the evidence.

We started off at O’Neills in Lansdowne and then went on to the Indian at 11pm for a curry which was milder than the previous “hotter the f**k knows” dish that Ali experienced last time.

During the night though, the Locoboys learned a few interesting facts - the main talk of which involved our beer-downing new-signing of a centre-midfielder - Keith Jackson, whose girlfriend, we have learned, apparently is an avid reader of this web-site.

Keith has showed his class on the pitch in the pre-season games for Loco, although unfortunately he couldn’t make the first game of the season due to unforeseen circumstances.

This weekend though, Loco are at home for the first league match of the season, and manager Paul Phillips has told locoboys.co.uk said considers Keith to be his “get out of jail” card. He added that he hopes the midfielder dynamo will police the midfield and not cop out of any arresting challenges.

Draw your own conclusions…

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